A nightmare to us

His caring is a nightmare to us,

and his voice a stone.

We would like to heed his words,

but we only half hear them.

The big drama between us

Makes too much noise

for us to understand each other.

We watch his lips moving,

shaping sounds that die away.

We feel endlessly distant,

though we are endlessly bound by love.

Only when we notice that he is dying 

do we know he lived.

-- from "The Book of Hours: Love Poems to God" by Ranier Maria Rilke. English translation by Anita  Barrows and Joanna R. Macy.

(I've been trying to think of something insightful that I could say about this. I can't seem to find words that would say anything more penetratingly true than what Rilke, through Barrows and Macy, already said. What are your thoughts?)

This is why I keep going back . . .

I've got a class of 35 kindergarteners.  Nope, not a typo. Our school has 35 kindergarteners in one class. (Luckily, they have a fantastic teacher that is working wonders with them) Needless to say, it takes a lot to keep those little people under control, especially when they don't know how to manage themselves yet. But I love them. They are so musically inclined and genuinely excited to be in music and learning. That is so refreshing.

But today, one of those sweet kids absolutely made my day and reminded me why I am so passionate about teaching music, especially in the inner city. He's one of the more challenging students in the class as his learning disabilities make it difficult for him to control his body and his talking. I moved him to the back of the room, knowing that not being as close to me would help him be less excited (and therefore in more control) and I think I temporarily broke his little heart. He's over it now, though, and loving music all the more.

Today, as he was leaving, he gave me the biggest hug I've yet received from him. Even though his language was simple, the meaning behind it was profound.

R: "I . . . I happy. Thank you, thank you music . . . "

Reason #1 out of 539,456,205 that I teach music in the 'hood.

Funny things my students say

"Mrs. W, I used to get my head stuck in the toilet when I was in middle school" J, the first grader. Bahaha.

(This was the same kid that told me last year he was thankful, not for family, friends, toys, or anything else that his peers said, but for cheese. Yes, that's right, cheese. When I questioned him about it, he simply said, "What? I really like cheese." That will forever be one of my favorite stories.)

Kindergartner to me:
"I'm going to throw you a birthday party"
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah. It's going to be a surprise party"
"Okay."
"Yeah, and you know what I'm going to get you?"
"What are you going to get me?"
"A baby."
" [stunned silence] . . . really? Well, where are you going to get the baby from?"
"From the store."
"[more stunned silence] The store? Really? Well, that's good. I was afraid you were going to bring it from your house or something"
" . . . huh?"
"Nevermind . . ."

Off with my head! The painful practice of discipline.

Our small group is studying Colossians lately. It was my idea. Strangely enough, two of the three studies our group has done in the last year have been my idea. Maybe this means I should shut my mouth more often and let someone else do the thinking . . .


That thought itself provides a convenient segue to the meat of this post. Colossians 1:21 radically changed my thoughts on my relationship with Christ, while at the same time confirming what I already knew in my heart. (As a small aside, the more time I spend reading the Bible the more I discover things like that happening -- changes in my thinking. And every time it happens I think, "Wow! I should do this more often!". However, my best time to do it happens to be my best time to hit the snooze button as well, and I unfortunately choose the snooze button every time.) The verse was Colossians 1:21, and it happens toward the end of Paul's big theological spiel on the Supremacy of Christ, which is post-worthy in and of itself. But then, there's this line:


"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your mind because of your evil behavior." 


Did you catch it?


I think that humans are always looking for something in which we can believe. Something that calls us to a bigger purpose. For some and myself, this is faith in a Creative and Redemptive God. For others, this is belief in the laws of science, or in the belief that there is no supreme deity. Still others find their solace in money and wealth, in the ability to have and do whatever they desire. I know many who find this place in doing good things for others, though there is no deity that inspires that desire to do good. Regardless of where we find it, we all believe in something. It's in our nature, the core of our being. Our hearts need this.


Where were we enemies with God? In our minds. Not our hearts. In our minds -- our thoughts, our selfish feelings, our over-thinking and heavy analysis. Our minds inspired, even created our evil behavior. Not our hearts.


Look at the what happened in the Garden of Eden. Eve sinned when Satan got in her head. When the serpent first asked her about the fruit of the forbidden tree, she simply said, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,  but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' " (Gen. 3:2) But then what happened? Satan twisted God's words ever so slightly, making her second-guess what God meant, saying that "God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil" (Gen 3:5) Before Satan got to her, she believed God's word blindly. She took it to be the truth, and accepted and believed it with her heart. She didn't rationalize it or try to wrap her brain around it; she just believed it. But then came Satan, twisting God's word just enough to make Eve stop and get into her head, thereby leaving behind what she knew in her heart to be true. He's crafty like that. He did it knowing that man's weakness would not be his heart, but in his mind, knowing that was the place from which he could most easily sway man to doubt God.


And how true is that? How many times in my own faith journey have I missed the mark, not because my heart wasn't right, but because my mind got in the way. Second-guessing whether or not it was the Spirit's leading in my life or just my own desires. Thinking and doing things that aren't in line with the Truth. For the last few weeks, I feel like I've been at war with myself. Battling my head to get in line with my heart, trying to synchronize that which I think and what I know in my heart to be true.


I do this in my marriage. I do this with my students. I do this with my colleagues, my friends, my family. I ignore what my heart knows and I get lost inside of my thoughts, ignoring truth, succumbing to the "reality" I create in my mind. That reality is lonely, even though I'm always right and perfect and doing "what Christ wants me to do." The problem is almost never with my heart. My heart truly wants to do the will of God. It's my selfish thoughts, my insecurities, my foolhardy belief that I'm in control that clashes with the desires of my heart, the will of God, and it's in that moment that my thoughts make me an enemy of God.


In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul is defending his ministry, talking about the differences between the world and those who are in the company of the Redeemer. When I read this verse a few weeks ago, it was almost as if God pulled the verse off the page and slapped me across the face with it (nicely, of course. God created chivalry, after all.)   In that moment, He made me aware that I'm letting my thoughts go unbridled, like the children who run a muck at the doctor's office while their parents read Cosmo, blissfully unaware of what damage the little angels are causing until it's too late. 


God shook me awake just in time to see the damage, though, before it passed the point of repair. In it's wake, I'm left facing qualities of myself that are less than flattering, facets of my being that I've let run lose while I sat to the side and and read my Cosmo. I've got this insane desire to control everything and everyone around me. I need validation from everyone that I'm doing a good job, that I am important and irreplaceable, and when they don't give it to me I get frustrated and whiny and think terrible things about them. I am jealous of others when they get the recognition I feel I deserve and I'm left playing a supporting-role. I'm arrogant enough to think that I deserve the spotlight, and prideful enough to pretend like I'm modest and humble so that others won't see this part of me. I don't just feel this way when I'm at home in my head, either. I think this way when I'm teaching, when I'm praying, when I'm studying the Bible. I'm even awful enough to think these things when I'm singing on Worship Team and I'm supposed to be leading others to greater communion with their Creator, as if my voice will somehow get them closer than another's voice. Realizing this about myself, especially when I hold myself in such high regard, is painful. Even though this blog is relatively private and there are only a few people that even look at it, I'm still hesitant to publish this post.


But the beauty of all of this is that God still uses this broken vessel. God still works beauty through all of my ugliness. His grace and mercy is deeper, and wider, and higher than I can grasp. Despite me, He still works in my life. 


Because of me, He is at work in my life.


His love is just like that. His love and tenderness frees me to boast in my weaknesses, because it is in these weaknesses that God's glory can truly shine through. So He'll continue to work, giving me the power to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ so that I can be called a friend of God.

Love is the answer . . .

Lately, I've been feeling the need to write. Every once in a while I get this way, but I've never been able to write in a way that I feel truly expresses that which I am feeling/thinking/pondering/etc.

When I was in elementary school, I won the Young Author competition every year except one. That one year I lost to a girl who wrote about a talking dog. For whatever reason, that talking dog story beat out my dead boyfriend novella; six chapters of a sixth grader's perception of what it would be like to lose a teen love. (I wonder why it didn't win?) Maybe this is where my frustration began. I thought that it was my best work up to that point in my life, but I essentially stopped writing stories after I lost. Overdramatic? Yes. But the truth nonetheless. I dabbled shortly in angsty poetry during some of the more trying times of my teenage years, but I never thought that my work was any good. I just couldn't make my words do what I wanted them to do. Of course, it didn't help that I had friends who could write beautiful poetry, intelligent and well-crafted fiction; mine always paled in comparison. Frustrated, I subconsciously restricted my writing to only assignments in AP English, and most of those weren't even altogether that good. Then came college, and the desire to write almost died completely, where papers and essays were due three times a day for every class. No kidding.

 (.okay . . . so, maybe it was only a couple papers every few weeks for my gen ed classes and a few of my music theory classes, but still. We wrote papers all. the. time. Might as well have been three times a day)

But, I've been feeling it lately. Like God is gently whispering to me that I need to write. Maybe somebody needs to read this. Or, much more likely, He just knows that this is the best way I have to sort through my thoughts. Working in the 'hood, I see a lot of hurt in my students. Like the boy whose sister was murdered two years ago because her killers mistakingingly thought that it was his eldest sister. Or my kids who are living in the homeless shelter with mom, who has another one on the way. Or the sweet girl whose mother most likely beats her and she was nearly in tears when she had to leave her grandma's house to go back home. No wonder my kiddos have anger issues.

But, I see a lot of joy, too. A lot of pure, authentic, and unadulterated joy. And those are the moments that I live for, the moments when I know that God (in His infinite grace and mercy) really did know what He was doing when He gave me the desire to teach in the inner city. And that He really is, despite and because of all of my flaws and my stupid desire for control, in control and causing ALL things to work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28).

So, here it is. Or, perhaps more accurately, here I am. Starting something new and definitely out of my comfort zone because it leaves me so vunerable. So, why should I write?

Because of His love. His love is the answer.