My heart is overwhelmed.

I'm just trying to sort through my thoughts. This year has been so many things...

This world is awful. Terrible. Absolutely horrid. The things my students face every single day are astounding; things that make them not be children. Incidents that rob them of their innocence and purity, that steal away their precious childhood.

This year alone, I'm aware of these horrendous circumstances my students have had to face:

One of my students was intentionally set on fire.

Another of my [former] students, a little girl who was only eight years old, was raped and murdered by an acquaintance of the family.

One of my young students tried to kill himself after finding out his stepdad was leaving.

A student of mine was repeatedly raped and molested by a family member.

Several of my students are facing life without their parents because of reports to SRS.

They are surrounded by violent gangs. It's amazing how many of them want to be police officers just so that they can help fight the crime they're surrounded with.

Several of former students are now in those same gangs.

One of my student's house's was shot at six times in two weeks, some when I'm assuming they were home.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. So many of my students have parents who are neglectful, abusive, and just downright awful. (Of course, in fairness to their parents, their lives aren't easy either. Both of the schools I teach at have an over 95% free and reduced lunch rate. Many of their homes are dilapidated, falling apart and unsafe. So many of the parents work long hours at multiple jobs, and so by the time they get home, they're simply too tired to invest much energy into their kids. I understand their dilemma, but that doesn't make it right.)

And yet, despite everything in their lives, we expect them to come to school ready and prepared to learn. To focus without wavering, to work diligently and intently, putting aside all distractions and focusing on school. I'm sure that, if I was going through half of what they were dealing with, I might find it difficult to rise to the occasion.

I don't know what to say about all of that. Except that it is beyond terrible. And it makes me 10,000x more motivated to ensure that my classroom is a positive and uplifting place where my kids can forget about the sh*t in their lives and just be kids for a minute.

Makes those times when we lose focus on instruction and spend time laughing at something funny I did/said or another kid did/said seem a little more legit. It makes all those hours I invest in my after-school groups worth it. Keeps me focused on doing what matters and ensuring that they're a) learning and b) smiling and feeling good. So that maybe, someday, they can rise above and do better for their children. So that they can realize that not everything in life is bad and hurtful and tragic, that there are things in life that are good and pure and beautiful.

And I know that if this breaks my heart, it has to break the heart of our Creator. I know people look at this circumstances and think "how can God allow this to happen?" and I'm honestly sort of wondering the same thing myself. I don't believe for a second that this was ever His plan. Things like what my students have experienced are a result of the fall, of sin creeping and throwing dirty black soot over His beautiful and perfect creation. I don't think God "allows" these things to happen. I think it's not in His control at that point; it's the result of someone's sin and he can do nothing to stop that from happening (otherwise there would be no free will). Sin has consequences. Of that I am sure. But why He doesn't stop it from happing is what's hard for me to understand. I know He is that powerful. It makes me want to curse free will and volunteer to be nothing but a robot, if it would keep just one of my precious kids from hurting again.

And I'm bearing my soul for the blogosphere to read, and I'm almost afraid to share my doubts. But even though that facet of God is not one I can understand or relate to, I still believe fully that God is Good and His plans are beyond mine. His ways are higher than ours, and His thoughts are greater than ours.

All of this crap makes me long for Heaven, when perfection is restored to God's creation and my little kids don't have to suffer the consequences of another person's sin. When there is no more tears, no more sadness, but only gladness and joy and worship of our Creator in His perfect and holy home.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I" Psalms 61:2